


mind the gap

by UniversalSatan



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Canon Compliant, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Missing Scene, Touch-Starved, the science team are there... just sleeping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:08:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24672109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UniversalSatan/pseuds/UniversalSatan
Summary: Gordon can't go to sleep. Everything that's been happening is taxing him, and he can't help but face the sense of loneliness that has been building the longer he's stuck in Black Mesa. It really sucks that Benrey's the only other person who's not sleeping.my little take on what happens at the end of act 3 part 3 when everyone else goes to sleep in the hole.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 17
Kudos: 504





	mind the gap

**Author's Note:**

> hey gang, sorry it's been so long since I've posted: i've been working on a huge big bang thing, which I have to write all at once :( 
> 
> anyways. here's a thing i just sat down and wrote in one night until like 5am based on a prompt [tit](https://toshidaves.tumblr.com/) gave me after i watched hlvrai for the second time thru (and thank u [brenna](https://forsea.tumblr.com/) and [cam](https://aro-alien.tumblr.com/) for endorsing me lmao). i know im not downright obsessed as you guys are, but watching yall go apeshit over this is endearing and i got a fit of motivation so... haha... :)
> 
> before anyone asks, benrey is literally just a part of my brain unleashed, and then half of the time gordon is me reacting to that. thank you.

_Thump._

The low and distant rumble of Black Mesa machines or wind or whatever the hell that atmospheric bass loop echoing around the hole is is about to drive Gordon insane.

_Thump._

Really, it's kinda funny: back when Gordon had a bed, his own place to wind down when the workday was over, this would be exactly the type of white noise track he'd choose to help himself go to sleep. Now, all it does is make the place feel emptier. All it does is remind Gordon of how lonely his is.

_Thump._

Okay, maybe that's a bit of an over-exaggeration. Tommy is sprawled out to his left, back almost definitely in a position that will have him aged fifty years by morning (or at least, Gordon would be). Both Dr. Coomer and Bubby are lying in identical, superman-like positions, making lawn-mower sounds Gordon _thinks_ are supposed to be snores every four minutes. He has them now, but... then again, they _did_ all abandon Gordon to the rats on steroids of the government only earlier, and it makes his whole body ache just thinking about it.

_Thump._

Yeah. Gordon isn't even going to acknowledge the other figures in the room. Not the Tommy lookalike that's slumped in a corner, saved from starting to smell of rot due to the cool night air the desert brings. Not the skeleton that haunts his every waking hour, the cherry on top of this living nightmare, somehow not collapsed into a pile of bones as it sleeps (at least Gordon hopes it does). Not...

Gordon lets the back of his head hit the dreary brick wall he's sitting up against, opting to let it remain supported as he shuts his eyes and breathes out.

"what the hell man. stop it."

Gordon laughs, too tired to care how deranged it sounds. "Stop _what?_ Why would _you_ care?"

"stop makin' your head noise. it's totally ruining my zen, bro."

Peeking his eyes open, Gordon rolls his head to the side, the hair at the crown of his head probably tangling as it swivels against the brick. Benrey is sitting criss-cross applesauce, staring directly at Gordon. He probably has been the entire time. Gordon sighs.

"I'm not supposed to be talking to you."

"talked to me."

Gordon rolls his head so that he's facing up again, squeezing his eyes shut. "No, I did n-"

"did too."

"I'm not-"

"did too."

"Did n-" He pinches the bridge of his nose. " _You know what,_ I'm not even going to say anything." 

"you first."

"I- _What?_ What does that even _mean?"_

"haha. talked to me."

_Thump._

That _idiot_. That _stupid, bane of his existence, irritating immortal motherfucker,_ is so _fucking_ stubborn. Gordon already has a headache.

"then maybe you should stop banging your head against the wall."

Yep. Nope. Not dealing with this right now. If only there was some way he could get some fucking shut eye in this place...

"you talkin' to me if you talkin' to you to me?"

"What the _ever living fuck_ does that mean."

"heh. nice."

Okay, so... maybe being proactive is the best option here.

"Benrey. _Why aren't you asleep."_

"i'm not speaking to you."

"Why don't you go away, then?"

"i'm not speaking to you."

"What the _hell_ , man?" Gordon straightens, whirling over to face Benrey directly. "What's your problem?"

Benrey frowns. "why aren't you going to speak if you like talkin' so much, huh?"

 _Is he actually that stupid, or does he just like to get on Gordon's nerves that much?_ He scoffs. "Don't pretend like you don't know why."

If Benrey could cock his head to the side, he probably would right now. "whuh?"

A tiny spark of anger flares up inside Gordon like someone had drizzled gasoline on it, urging him to throw his arms up in the air to run away with that energy while he can. "Are you freaking kidding me? Don't play dumb, Benrey: I already have enough shit on my plate. I swear to _god_ , if you ask about my hand _one more time-"_

"oh yeah. where did it go?"

Gordon barely resists screaming. Dr. Coomer and Bubby open their mouths to make a jet plane snore at the exact same time.

"damn, touchy subject? why aren't _you_ sleeping?" Benrey ends up asking instead, which seems to be the final straw in the mental dam Gordon's been desperately struggling to maintain.

"Why aren't I-? Oh... _hohoho_ , that's rich. Why aren't I... _Because I can't fucking sleep, Benrey!_ " He's whisper-shouting, the words crawling out raw from his throat, bubbling and spitting like a pot about to boil over. "I've been losing blood all day in _addition_ to everything else this shitshow of a circus has been giving me—hell, I can't even _feel_ my arm (or what's left of it) anymore! I haven't had a warm meal or a soft bed to sleep in since _god knows when_ , and I can't even tell if I'm going to get out of this alive, _with_ or _without_ fucking gangrene. What'll happen to my son? What'll happen to my house, my belongings... I'm so thoroughly fucked, I've killed so many people now... do you know what this shit _does_ to a person? I guess you can't relate, since you aren't exactly _human_ , but... I'm just so fucking _alone_ in this, Benrey. I want to trust Tommy and Bubby and Dr. Coomer, but... I've already been betrayed _once_ , and don't you _dare_. Ask. About my hand. When _you're_ the one who took it away in the first place."

"damn that shit sucks bro."

Gordon can't even hear Benrey's response. His head is spinning (is he _finally_ going to pass out from blood loss?) and his chest heaving, choking any other words that had even attempted to escape from his mouth. Everything aches, and he despises the tears that burn at the edges of his eyes.

 _"The nicest thing you could do for me is to put me out of my misery,"_ he barely registers himself saying before slumping to the cool ground, desperate for any relief to his nausea. Passing out seemed to be the only way to get a good night's sleep, but maybe convincing Benrey to just... hit him over the head... knock him out...

When his head clears- _wait_. His _head_. Is _clearing_.

Gordon blinks his eyes open slowly. Benrey's face slowly fades into focus.

_Oh shit._

Gordon's head is in a lap.

_Oh fuck._

See, if Gordon were in his right mind, he would probably sit up so fast that his head would catch on Benrey's chin, and then he'd stammer some dumb apology. Unfortunately, he's weak enough that he probably can't even lift up an arm, and his entire body feels like a dead weight, so he stays where he is. His heart still speed up though.

"you needed to take a chill pill, bro."

Gordon laughs. It's more of a wobbly chuckle, but the barest hint of upturned lips above him makes his chest swell with triumph. He only sees it for a millisecond, though, before Benrey's Sweet Voice is back, lighting his vision with robin's egg blue. _Chill pills, huh._

He basks in the overwhelming sense of calm that washes over his body, embracing it with his soul as he shuts his eyes. His breathing is back to normal now, and though his headache had only gotten worse with the slight panic attack, it feels like cool fingers weave their way around his head to unknot his muscles.

"sorry about the hand. don't remember."

Gordon scoffs. _Whatever_. "Yeah, well... it was the fuckin' troops that did the actual removing." He almost tries to flex his right hand to emphasize his point, but stops when he remembers. Tilting his head to the side, he stares lasers into Benrey's knee, pointedly not looking at his... lack of a hand. _Fuck_.

Now that his cheek is nuzzled into Benrey's lap, he feels the cool fingers gently press into the hair above his ear. He sighs into the feeling.

 _Oh_. Benrey's petting him. His breath catches.

The fingers don't stop, despite the fact Gordon doesn't even want to imagine how greasy his hair is by now. They card through the strands, teasing out knots without the slightest bit of strain against Gordon's scalp. Finally, they gently pull away the hair tie, and it's like the last of Gordon's headache melts away as soon as his hair is free. Benrey's fingers only hesitate momentarily when Gordon hums in satisfaction before resuming their ghostly touch.

Benrey's song changes, along with the feeling that buzzes across Gordon's skin. He's so caught up with every touch of a fingertip—the tingling and the shivers they evoke at the lightest brush, tightening his chest so that he forgets how to breathe—that he can't bring himself to open his eyes and see what Benrey is doing now.

"What colour is this one?" he asks softly, failing to hide away the smile that tugs at his own cheeks. Though his fingers keep moving, Benrey pauses his song for a moment to think.

"blue to green means goodbye gangrene."

The laugh that Gordon barks out is so sudden that it makes his head throb, but the more he tries to contain himself, the funnier it gets. He settles with a few puffed snickers, breathing in deeply to relish the aroma of the leafy green that surrounds his face.

It takes a few moments for Gordon to realize Benrey's paused again. He's too stubborn to open his eyes, so he scrunches up his face and frowns up at his companion.

"Why'd you stop singing?"

"your free trial has ended. if you give me your credit card number and the three numbers on the back-"

Gordon reaches up to slap Benrey's knee. "Benrey..." he whines.

"baby man. little baby gordon feetman. man."

"I thought we agreed that _you_ were the child here."

"ppptbbbbbbbb."

"Please," he whispers. Blinking his eyes open, he sees Benrey gazing down at him, regarding him quietly. Above them, he can see the opening to the hole they're currently hiding in, and the moonlight softly outlines the edge of Benrey's helmet. "I haven't felt like this since everything began. Please."

Benrey studies him for a while. Gordon's caught between being pinned by his gaze and being torn apart by the barren sound that's returned without Benrey's Sweet Voice. 

"The sound," he continues. "It's too empty. I..." He feels one of the hands in his hand curl ever so slightly, scraping the tips of fingernails against his skin.

"you're lonely? is that what you are, lonely boy?"

"Oh, fuck off."

He squeezes his eyes shut, doing his best to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach at his thoughts being voiced aloud. A weight bumps against his forehead, and Gordon almost cries out until he registers the soft puff of breath against his hair. Barely daring to look, he peeks up, breathless at the sight of Benrey's helmet pushed back, the rare specimen of Benrey's forehead visible where it touches his own. Heart leaping in his ribcage, his eyes slam shut again as he forces himself to relax.

His brain feels mushy, but in a good way. A fog covers his thoughts, drifting like a rowboat over the tide wherever it pleases, soft to the touch and lovely to inhale.

When Benrey raises his head, Gordon watches him, feeling the odd fog pull away along with his absence of touch. He almost wants to feel disappointed, but then Benrey's opening his mouth again, and the pleasant hum of his song resonates through the air.

Gordon watches the colour in wonder, seeing how it shifts like a gentle pulse but generally stays the same tone. The delicate colour of the sweet-smelling lilacs that bloom in his yard only a couple of weeks per year. The sleepy colour that paints itself across the sky as the sun tucks itself into bed for the night. The happy colour that's painted across Joshua's room, that Joshua has streaked across paper, windows, and rosy cheeks.

The colour that tints a soft glow on the singer's face, drawing every last ounce of drowsy thought to its presence.

Benrey stops, looking down at Gordon. His helmet slides forward slightly more onto his forehead.

It's infuriating how little Gordon can read from the man. His expression is always blank, devoid of any telltale sign of emotion, and his words only confuse further. Even now, he has absolutely no idea what could be running through a head like his.

Gordon's been concentrating so hard on Benrey's face, so caught up in the purple tinge of their tiny atmosphere, that he barely notices that Benrey has leaned over slightly, hovering just a hair closer to Gordon's face. _Shit, he's so bad at this. They're both so fucking bad at this._

Raising his good hand up, he places it awkwardly on Benrey's cheek, pushing his fingers underneath the helmet to get a better grip. Pausing only momentarily, he looks up into Benrey's eyes, upside-down from his own, and smiles when he can see the tenderness that just graces his features. Lifting himself up, he pulls Benrey down, catching his lips with his own.

They stay like that for a few moments, relishing in the feeling of each other against their lips, the subtle taste that's distinctly of the other and only teases for more. When Gordon pulls back, feeling breath drawn out of Benrey along with his own sigh, he hovers in the air for a second or two to catch his breath before they both find themselves pulled together again, magnetized.

Gordon can't tell how long they sit there, kissing so softly that it warms Gordon more thoroughly than any hearth could. He can feel his laziness return as Benrey takes over, letting him gently nip at his bottom lip in an almost hilarious comparison to their usual aggression.

Of course, dreams don't last forever, because Dr. Coomer and Bubby decide it's the perfect time to make a foghorn of a snore, making both Gordon and Benrey freeze where they are. Gordon lets himself drop back down to Benrey's lap, gazing up at him in a daze.

"wow." Benrey says. "that was pretty gay."

Gordon has to bite his lip to keep himself from laughing.

"Of course it was, dipshit."

"just like in spider-man. uh. 2002. but gay."

Okay... yeah. He's tired, but he loses it anyways, muffling his snorts into Benrey's leg. Though, it's pretty worth it when he sees the fond smile Benrey wears, watching him laugh at his banter. His chest swells and his head spins (and this time, he's pretty sure it's not the blood loss... but who knows?), and despite hiding in some musky hole in the middle of a place-of-employment-turned-warzone, everything kinda feels okay for once.

"it'll be over soon."

"What?"

"don't worry about it."

"Yeah. I'll just. Not worry about it. _Me_."

"... can you sleep?"

"I think so."

"huh."

"Benrey?"

"mm?"

"Thanks. For... for this. I mean, like, the part before, but also- _mm_ , well... thank you."

"okay."

_Please don't make me forget._

Benrey leans over, helmet pushed back like before so he can rest against Gordon's forehead. Gordon's eyes flutter shut at the feeling of that lazy fog that swirls through his mind again, lulling him into a deeper state of rest.

_i don't want to hurt you._

Gordon's breathing slows. It regulates.

_i'm sorry._

**Author's Note:**

> on god. I probably would write a slowburn of these idiots if i could but... yknow what, if any of yall have ideas/prompts just find me ig.
> 
>  **edit:** THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE LOVELY COMMENTS!!!! i'm sorry i didn't get to answer to all of you,,,, adhd brain saw the influx of comments and PANICCED and now it's been so long i feel awkward replying kljfskdjs but thank you all so much!!! your feedback means the world to me, and please know i've reread all of yalls comments many times :,)
> 
> → [main tumblr blog](https://universalsatan.tumblr.com/)  
> → [writing blog](https://celestialberries.tumblr.com/)  
> → I always love a good coffee!! Find out more in the descriptions of both my blogs!


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